Estranged Twins

A parable for twins and parents.

Last night I was working with my long-running twin estrangement group. We were discussing the lengthy journey of truly separating from your twin, which of course can be an ongoing psychological problem. The psychological separation process starts with the awareness that you are a twin as a child, to beginning to tolerate being apart as teenagers, to accepting that you are different and differences are inevitable and good, to hopefully developing a mature relationship with your brother or sister. An adult twin relationship that goes beyond old fears, jealousy and expectations can be achieved and maintained with awareness and authentic communication. Still, separation events such as weddings commonly trigger old feelings of sadness and longing for childhood comfort, which stir up animosity and conflicts.

Jane, a member of our group, was going to a family wedding. Helen, her estranged sister, was also invited. Helen had ignored the wedding, which was very difficult for Jane to process. For sure, weddings are a big deal for twins, whether it is your wedding or that of a close friend or family member. Weddings signify new unions of the heart and soul. No matter what the background or personal history of twins, weddings bring up the reality of separation and the lived experiences of unexplained sadness. Some twins experience a deep sense of loss when their twin marries. Others are uncontrollably sad without knowing the reason. Jane was hoping that her old feelings of being ignored would not be triggered by her sister’s presence at the upcoming wedding. Jane is angry with her sister but didn’t want her anger to ruin her nephew’s happiness.

Our group discussion was intense. The week before we had advised the youngest member of our group to carefully consider marriage, as marriage could often serve as a twin replacement strategy that would backfire gradually. Group members had all sorts of advice on how to approach Jane’s sister at the family wedding. “Be friendly and superficial” was one possibility. “Don’t go.” “Say you are out of town and avoid the possibility of a dramatic scene” was another suggestion. “Try and take your sister’s pain of seeing you to heart and be kind” was a possibility.

Thinking that there was more to say on the topic, I blurted out a memory that I have kept to myself for as long as I can remember. I was surprised that my memory of “sharing my wedding dress” with my sister came out of my mouth. And my group members who have heard a lot of “crazy twin stories” were flabbergasted and looked to me for an explanation as to why I didn’t have my own wedding dress. Obviously, my parents thought I could share.

After much reflection I have decided that I am an anomaly in some sense because I did not have expectations for my own wedding. Searching my soul, I conclude that my disengagement was not related to feeling like an imposter. I did not think that my husband thought that he was marrying the wrong twin. He knew me and that I was very different from my sister.

Horrific and embarrassing as this sounds to me now, I can understand the reality that my marriage was not “for me” but a way to get physical distance from my family. My twin married eight days before me and went to Sweden with her college boyfriend/husband because he was studying sculpture. I couldn’t go home so I married someone who my parents approved of because of his future ambitions. Eight days later I wore my sister’s wedding dress as my father walked me down the aisle. No one in our large Jewish family (who usually gave their opinions without being asked) was at all concerned. Although my Aunt was worried that I wanted yellow flowers instead of white, which might give a bad message to others about my virtue, no one said, “You should buy your own dress.”

How weird to have shared a dress and not even think I should have my own. It was even awkward to talk about with others who knew I was a twin. It is sort of sad but funny that thinking I needed my own wedding dress was out of my range of conscious options. My sister and I had dressed alike until middle school. And then we always shared our clothes. It was normal and expected that we shared.

Now too much sharing for twins is considered a bad and even dangerous parenting strategy. All sorts of parenting blogs and parenting books warn parents about too much closeness. Twins are encouraged to be different in natural ways from their brother or sister. Hopefully not sharing everything will reduce jealousy and competition between twins, and twin estrangement later in life will be less common.

I am certain that twin estrangement can be reduced or eliminated if parents really try to be aware of the dynamic twins share through their communication. Over-sharing can lead to problems that are hard to overcome. Still, the process of letting go of your twin identity is very complicated and no matter how effective parents try to be, twins have difficulties forming new relationships because of their own expectations to be understood by other people. When newcomers join the twin relationship there is always confusion about alliances and betrayal. Separation for twins is very complex. Weddings are extremely hard for twins no matter what.

Originally published on Psychology Today, June 26, 2018.