Twins Can Teach Non-Twins

The power and comfort of closeness.

Throughout history, twins have been considered to possess special magical powers. In our culture, the twin relationship is idealized as a perfect mirroring experience that builds confidence and security throughout life. Outdated and fantastical, this myth that needs to be dispelled and evaporated into outer space. In actuality, the twin relationship is challenging and complicated but can be very nurturing and can encourage expansiveness and individuality if attachment issues are dealt with and resolved. Let’s look at what it really means to be a twin.

Twins are born sharing parents, companionship, life experiences, friends, toys, clothes, and screen time. Activities and stress, love and pride are most often experienced together. Emotionally and hand-in-hand twins experience one another’s reactions to the world around them.

As children, twins are very comfortable depending on one another. Often, young twins work together to get what they want. For example, my twin sister and I thought the red furniture polish under the kitchen cabinet was fruit punch and we worked together as three-year-olds to get it open and try it. Fortunately, our mother found us and called 911. The ambulance came to rush us to the hospital with our mother by our sides. We got our stomachs pumped at the emergency room. And we are still alive after many decades of working together to get our way with others who are opposed to our antics. All twins have twin power or double trouble—an interesting form of closeness that can be seen early in life. Double trouble is perhaps the foundation for a twin’s ability to value closeness and functional powerful relationships.

School Separation

As twins separate from each other in elementary school, they can be desperate for the feedback of new friends, as listening is a habit learned in the womb, which grows exponentially. Learning to make non-twin relationships that are reciprocal (give and take) is an emotional challenge that has to be taken seriously by twins and caregivers. Twin children can listen too much to other children and falsely believe that their new friends care about them like their twin. Twins can experience bullying more easily than non-twins because of their need for closeness and vulnerability to unkind siblings and new friends. On the other hand, twins are good listeners and very loyal; popularity and being sought after are common social experiences for twins at this age.

Teenage Twins

Teenage twins are often good at making friends quickly because they are open-minded, highly empathetic, and appreciate having other people in their world. New relationships begin to serve as twin replacements. In adolescence, special interests and boyfriends and girlfriends become more important than their brother or sister. I remember how my sister was tenaciously replaced by my romantic interests. Unspoken jealousy of my popularity with boyfriends competed with her popularity with the girl club girls. I was black-balled out of the most sought out social club and my sister was offered membership. These high school and college memories are intense still and often I feel like the misfit in conventional situations. In contrast, my twin is never uncomfortable in any social situation. No matter what the comfort level with others, twins know the value of closeness having experienced the rewards.

Conflict in Adulthood

In adulthood, serious conflicts burst out between twin soulmates as separation experiences are nurtured and become more rooted. Outsiders don’t understand the intensity of anger that twins experience because their anger is related to enmeshment and over-identification with one another. In young adulthood, striving for individuality creates serious confusion because of the cross-over of identities. For example, twins getting married question their sister’s or brother’s choice. At the same time, they want to be a part of the new relationship in a sharing way. One minute they are critical of the marriage and then very pleased. Individuality for twins is complicated by a unique sense of the importance of sharing. Closeness is hard for twins to give up.

When age and life experience are combined with these confusing struggles over “what belongs to you” and “what belongs to me,” an appreciation of the importance of caring responses and concern for another is gained. Twins learn to hang in there when friendships are going south. Twins have to learn early in life how to navigate conflicts in a way that non-twins can’t even imagine. Skill in navigating conflicts gives twins expertise in relationships that allows them to bond with others and sustain the connection.

Twin Myths

For the serious twin onlookers who idealize twinship, I want to totally eradicate the myth that being a twin is easy. Being a twin is very challenging and an intense training ground for building close relationships. Twin relationships teach the value of emotional intimacy and actual physical closeness. While it is difficult to find and create a closeness that is authentic, twins know more about how to be close than non-twins. Unraveling closeness is the birthright of twins.

Originally published on Psychology Today, Dec. 18, 2017.