My sister and I started fighting in college. She was sure that I had too many boyfriends and that I was a superficial airhead who would never make anything of myself. Maybe she was jealous – but in those days the possibility didn’t occur to me. I accepted her lack of faith in my ability to make something of myself.

We both married within 7 days of each other but did not go to each other’s weddings. For 2 years we lived very separate lives as she was in Sweden and I lived in California. When she returned home I was 9 months pregnant and she called me fat. She was very slender and proud of it.

Our fights for the next 5 years were about how skinny she was and how fat I was, and who was more successful. When I got my doctorate she was jealous and asked me to rest on my laurels so she could catch up. We continued to fight. Her behavior was ugly toward me and I would lose my temper at her.

Eroded Relationship

The fighting eroded our relationship and was very painful. For 20 years we didn’t talk to each other. It was the only thing that worked.

We reunited when our parents died but when that was over with, the fighting started up again. I blamed myself and felt ashamed. If I could do it again I wouldn’t have tried so hard to get along with her.

Even though I had many years of psychoanalysis, no one ever pointed out the shame that twins feel over not getting along. My sister has had countless years of therapy and her therapist does not understand our relationship.

My Advice

My advice is this: Don’t try so hard – it’s a big waste of time. Talk to other twins who have the same problem and you will understand that you’re not the only one. You’ll feel better about yourself.